We have
found that it's
useful to notice what we’re thinking, what body reactions we have, our emotions
and the way we react behaviourally at times when we’re upset. When
communicating with other people, it helps to keep in mind not only what you are
experiencing (thoughts, feelings, behaviours) but also what they might be
experiencing, which might be similar, different, or completely opposite to your
experience (and anywhere in-between!). Just because you believe they’re
thinking something about you, that doesn’t necessarily make it true – our minds
are continually trying to make sense of our world, but our minds do not always
get it right. Our thoughts and emotions can get in the way of effective
communication, and we end up making things worse and messing things up. This
awareness of our own reactions, together with an understanding and awareness of
how the other person might be reacting (their thoughts, feelings and responses)
will give us important knowledge and help us to respond in a more helpful and
effective way.
It’s so easy to get things wrong, misunderstand
what the other
person is saying, we react to what we think they mean, they react to what they
think we mean….and so it goes on
We can learn to be more assertive and effective
in communicating what we really want to say, without upsetting the other person,
and reduce misunderstandings on both sides.
The aim is to practice behaving and communicating
more assertively, and to reduce acting and communicating in passive and
aggressive ways, which usually result in distress.
It can help
to think about a person who you respect and who you believe acts and
communicates effectively and assertively, respecting others and themselves, who
is warm and friendly. This can be a person who is known personally to you, or a
famous person, or perhaps a fictional character. You can model yourself on that
person – imagine them dealing with particular situations and how they would do
it, what that would look like. Then imagine yourself acting in a similar way –
and do it. Practice it often. Initially, it doesn’t matter if you don’t feel
like being assertive, just practice it anyway. When you notice yourself acting
aggressively or passively, just notice, then change your posture, expression and
behaviour to as though you were being assertive. It works!
