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SELF HELP FOR LOW SELF ESTEEM
We tend to go through life evaluating ourselves and others according to a
scale of worth. The concept of
self esteem is the amount of value that we consider we are worth. These
values vary from person to person. Whilst we might rate
ourselves as being of little value, others might rate us much higher. If
we get into the habit of thinking negatively about ourselves, then low self
esteem, or placing little value on ourselves, is the result.
Low self esteem can
stay low, because of our own self-critical thoughts, which can be triggered by
criticism, or perceived criticism (even if none is intended, we believe we are
being criticised).
Self Esteem Quick Reference Sheet
PDF HOW
LOW SELF ESTEEM AFFECTS US
Emotions
Negative, self-critical: I'm so stupid, I'm
worthless, It's my fault, I'm a failure, I'm not good enough, I'm incompetent.
Unhelpful Thinking Habits might
include Mental Filter, Mind Reading, Self Blame, Internal Critic, Compare &
Despair, Shoulds and
Musts, Black and White Thinking
Behaviours
get defensive when we believe we're being
criticised
under-achieve or work harder to compensate and
cover up our incompetence
neglect or abuse ourselves An example of how
this can keep our self-esteem low:
Imagine you're given a parrot. This parrot is just a parrot - it doesn't have
any knowledge, wisdom or insight. It’s bird-brained after all. It recites
things ‘parrot fashion’ - without any understanding or comprehension. It’s a
parrot.
However, this particular parrot is a poisoned and poisonous parrot. It's
been specifically trained to be unhelpful to y
How
long would you put up with this abuse before throwing a towel over the cage, or
getting rid of the parrot? We can often put up with the thoughts from this
internal bully for far too long.
We
can learn to use the antidote: notice that ‘parrot’ - and cover the cage.
"There's that parrot again - I don't have to listen to it", and go and do
something else. Put your focus of attention elsewhere. Be persistent
in your practice! Eventually this poisoned parrot will tire of the towel,
tire of you not responding. You'll notice it less and less. It might
just give up its poison as your antidote overcomes it, or perhaps fly off to
wherever poisoned parrots go.
(Vivyan 2009 - adapted from 'The Malevolent
Parrot" by Kristina Ivings) SELF HELP FOR LOW SELF
ESTEEM
Identify the factors that
help keep the problem going
Use the
cogs diagram (PDF) to help you identify what
contributes to your low self esteem. Look at each factor and
try to make changes in each.
Example vicious cogs of low self
esteem:
MAKING CHANGES
Doing things
differently
Set achievable and realistic goals. When
you achieve them, congratulate and treat yourself, and allow others to
congratulate you
Accept compliments - say thank you, and smile
Act the person you want to be - play the role for
long enough and you can become that person
Look after yourself - eat healthily, exercise, do
more things you enjoy doing
Stand, walk and talk confidently
Change your image - hair, clothes, make-up
Learn
mindfulness including NOW:
mindfulness for busy people
Take up a new hobby or interest
Learn a new skill
Reward yourself for achievements and successes -
however small
Thank others - show your appreciation, and others
will appreciate you
Do things for others - help someone out. It
makes us feel better about ourselves. Set limits and agree what you will
and won't do.
If you can do something well, let others notice -
when they notice your work, so their opinion of you will be raised, which in
turn, raises your own self esteem
Thinking
differently What am I reacting to?
What have I been thinking about here? Is this
Is that
"Internal
Critic" operating again? There's that
parrot again! I don't have to listen to it. Am I getting things out
of proportion? How important is this
really? How important will it
be in 6 months time? Am I expecting
something from myself that is unrealistic? What's the worst (and
best) that could happen? What's most likely to happen? Am I using that
negative filter? Those gloomy specs? Is there another way of looking at
it? What would I think
about someone else in this situation? What would I say to a friend? Am I spending time
ruminating about the past or worrying about the future? What could I do
right now that would help me feel better?
Am I putting more pressure on myself, setting up expectations of
myself that are almost impossible? What would be more realistic? Am I jumping to
conclusions about what this person meant? Am I mis-reading between the
lines? Is it possible that they didn't mean that? What do I want or need
from this person or situation? What do they want or need from me? Is
there a compromise? How could I act in a way that was more effective or
helpful? Am I just focusing on
the worst possible thing that could happen? What would be more realistic? Am I
focusing on the
negative, putting myself down? What wou Is there another way of
looking at this?
Am I exaggerating the good aspects of others, and putting myself
down? Or am I exaggerating the negative and minimising the positives? How would
someone else see it? What’s the bigger picture
or the Helicopter view?
Things aren’t either totally white or totally black
- there are
shades of grey. Where is this on the spectrum?
This is just a reminder of the past. That was then, and this is
now. Even though this memory makes me feel upset,
it’s not actually happening
again right now. What would be the
consequences of doing what I normally do? Is there another way of
dealing with this? What would be the most helpful and effective action to
take? (for me, for the situation, for the other person) Use this
Thought Record Sheet - Self Esteem Be
compassionate with yourself - just as you might be with someone else
What would a caring
friend say to me in this situation?
What is a kind and constructive way to think about how I can
improve this situation?
Whoever said human beings are supposed to be perfect?
Would a caring mother say this to her child is she wanted the
child to grow and develop?
How will I learn if it's not okay to make mistakes? Acknowledge your
strengths - start by writing out a list of things you're good at, or what others
have or do say about you.
Notice the positives
- carry a notepad around, and write down whenever you notice something good or
helpful that you've said, or done, or what others have said about you At the end of each
day, ask yourself: What have I done or tried today that I've never done or
tried before? What have I done to help other people today? Who has
helped me? What have I enjoyed doing today?
Self Help for
Low Self Esteem - this page as PDF
Self Esteem Quick Reference Sheet
CONFIDENT & COMPETENT mp3 (for low self-esteem and self-critical
thoughts)
Female voice, with music.
36 mins 30s
CONFIDENT & COMPETENT mp3 (for low self-esteem and self-critical
thoughts)
Male voice, with music.
39 mins
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Low self esteem can be a result of negative life
experiences, particularly when we're young and most vulnerable. These
experiences may include being criticised or judged negatively, such as from a
parent or school bullies. As adults, abusive relationships and very
stressful life events can also cause low self esteem.
ld
be more realistic?
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